By Paul Honda
paul@hondareport.com
Friday, Mar. 9, 2007

Some random thoughts for all.

• Corn will not save us.

Corn will fuel our cars in the near-future, they say. Biodiesel is the operative word. But what happens when global warming affects weather in the Midwest and droughts wipe out corn crops? It's just a bad-dream scenario, but it wouldn't be far off. After destroying our atmosphere and inducing a meltdown of the polar caps, it only makes sense that we'd be unable to grow crops. Ahh, the circle of life. Oil, one way or another, will still be a corrupt despot of a king.

I can't help thinking that those resilient Amish have always been on to something. We want knowledge, Adam and Eve took their bites out of the forbidden fruit (from the tree of knowledge), and what do we have? Plane crashes, pedestrian deaths, air pollution, glitches in the New York Stock Exchange that cost investors millions of dollars. Technology.

Then again, I wouldn't want to be Bob Marley, who turned down medical attention for his cancer-ridden toe because of his religious beliefs. By the time he changed his mind, it was too late.

What does corn have to do with Bob Nesta? Nothing. I do like the fact that our nation is finally getting serious about alternative fuels. I just won't be surprised when Mother Nature whacks us in the ass after we've been trying to suffocate her for a century.

• Was Gilligan right?

The ratings for Lost are down significantly, from 20 million viewers per episode to just 12 million. Why? Obviously, the long wait — the new slate of episodes didn't air until recently — didn't digest well for Lost's fair-weather fans. But I think there's more to it.

Though the show is well-written, fans are getting a serious case of island fever. Take note of Gilligan's Island, where the longing for home never ended, but neither did the entertainment value. No, Gilligan and the Skipper never quite got back to civilization until the end of their series, but the possibility of being saved was a constant theme. Lost, on the other hand, has absolutely zero contact with the outside world. True, this is an apples-and-oranges deal. Lost is not about comedy or kooky characters (though a few are definitely unique).

Imagine if they all got to live on the same island.

Gilligan would play golf with Hurley. The Professor would debate with Locke. Ginger would be all over Sawyer as Mary Ann snorts in disgust. The Skipper would have a crush on Kate Austen, unwilling to believe that the fugitive is anything but an angel.

Mr. and Mrs. Howell would mispronounce Sayid's name in every episode, and it would be even worse with Jin Kwon. They would love Sun Kwon, though, and just call her "Sunny" and remark on how polite and cheerful she is. Sun, in turn, would get annoyed after awhile and cuss in Korean under her breath.

When not golfing, Gilligan would be the unexpected nemesis to Benjamin Linus. Yes, Gilligan. Though the original script for Gilligan's Island never delved into it, Gilligan is actually an accidental genius who unknowingly would thwart Linus at every turn.

While not combating evil, Gilligan and Charlie Pace hang out on the beach singing songs and hunting for traditional herbs, strictly for "medicinal purposes."

Jack? He'd be in an Archie Andrews situation, liking one girl (a lot), but yearning for another one. Mary Ann, who likes Jack, would be Archie's Betty Cooper. Ginger, who toys with Jack, would be Archie's Veronica Lodge.

Ginger and Kate, basically, would hate each other's guts.

Complicated? Yeah. But it would be a helluva lot more entertaining than the frenetic circle the episodes are spinning in right now.

The tale of Hurley's riches and sorrow (last week) was fun, for a change. Need more of that. Otherwise, I might as well be watching ER.

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